It has been my experience as a therapist that clients often come into sessions worried that they are not “grounded enough.” They name emotions they have been feeling and worry that something is wrong. The term dysregulated gets mentioned frequently, and clients desperately ask if I can help them become more grounded.
I’ve found that, through popular culture, psychological terms are often used to help us make sense of our experiences and how we relate to ourselves and the world. However, sometimes these terms are passed around without a full understanding of their true meanings and intended use.
In this blog, I will attempt to gently correct the course of our understanding of grounding and dysregulation in a way that promotes well-being and does not cause further harm. I recognize that doing this in a short blog presents challenges in capturing the full nuance and complexity of the topic.
Misconceptions Around Meaning:
When clients ask me to help them become more grounded, I’ve come to understand that they are often seeking help to feel calm and more relaxed. In this definition, there is an absence of difficult feelings and the discomfort that comes with being in those feelings.
What Does Being Grounded Actually Mean?
Grounding—or being regulated—means having the ability to be present with our feelings, regardless of whether they are deemed “positive” or “negative.”
Contrary to popular belief, it means we still experience the feelings that come with the ups and downs of life.
What tells us how grounded we are is our ability to notice and acknowledge what we’re feeling. From there, we can reflect on what we need to do to manage or respond to those feelings.
Example: You send a vulnerable text and, afterward, begin to feel anxious about how it will be received and how you will be perceived. You may feel restless, worried, and sad. This is not necessarily a sign of dysregulation or a lack of grounding.
Being grounded means you notice these feelings and acknowledge the discomfort. While the feelings are there, you may decide to go for a walk or try a breathing exercise to self-soothe. To gain perspective, you may call a friend, pray, or journal about your feelings. Over time, you’ll hopefully find that the feelings become less intense and take up less headspace.
Grounding is about being able to stay present with our feelings and move through them.
Why Is It Important to Know That Being Grounded Doesn’t Mean Being Relaxed?
I’ve found that people often confuse having natural emotional reactions to life’s ups and downs with being dysregulated. This leads to seeking a diagnosis from a therapist and wanting to “fix” something that isn’t broken. It can promote a culture that avoids emotions and treats feelings as something bad or dangerous that need to be avoided.
This reaction is understandable in a society that privileges logic and rationality, often seeing emotions as a sign of weakness. But the truth is: as much as we might want to, we cannot think our way out of our feelings.
What, Then, Is Dysregulation?
Dysregulation is when feelings show up with such intensity that we become stuck in them. There’s little to no fluctuation or movement through these feelings—we either get stuck in overactivation or underactivation for long periods of time. These states are sometimes described as being stuck “on” or stuck “off.”
- Stuck on “on” means we’re overactivated: too much energy, intense emotions, overfunctioning.
- Stuck on “off” means we’re underactivated: low energy, shut down, sad, disconnected, immobilized, etc.
Example: You send a vulnerable text and, afterward, begin to feel anxious about how it will be received and how you will be perceived. You may feel restless, worried, and sad. These feelings persist and intensify throughout the day. You feel powerless about the situation. In response, you either shut down and withdraw, or become reactive and confrontational about the incident.
What Is a Healthy Way to Approach Grounding and Dysregulation?
- Recognize that part of being human means we will experience a wide range of emotions.
- Being grounded is not the absence of uncomfortable feelings.
- Tune into emotions with curiosity instead of avoidance.
- Begin to build self-awareness around your emotions and pay attention to factors that cause you to become dysregulated.
- Identify strategies that help you become more regulated.
What If I Find Myself Getting Stuck On “On” or On “Off” for Too Long?
Factors such as trauma can make it difficult to manage emotions and keep us stuck in either state. Working with a therapist can help us better understand these patterns and provide tools to become unstuck and improve our ability to regulate emotions.
Key Takeaway
Having emotions is not something that needs to be diagnosed or fixed. How we relate to our emotions plays a significant role in our overall outlook on life and our well-being.