Author: Kamela Salimi

In my work with clients, I have found that anger is an emotion people know little about and I’m often asked by clients to help them learn to not feel this emotion. 

When it comes to feeling anger ourselves, we respond by feeling guilt and shame. When others are angry, we become uncomfortable and respond with judgement and criticism. 

It is clear that anger is a misunderstood emotion. The anger iceberg is a great analogy to help us better understand our own anger and the anger of others. 

If you imagine or even do a quick google image search of an iceberg, you will notice that what we see on the surface of the water is only the tip of the iceberg. In reality, most of the iceberg is hidden underneath and goes unseen. 

The anger iceberg analogy tells us that the tip of the iceberg represents anger. What often goes unseen is the rest of the iceberg which holds more vulnerable emotions such as sadness, loneliness, guilt, shame, disappointment, etc. 

When we respond to the anger iceberg by just focusing on what is visible above the surface of the water (ie. anger), we will be misguided in our approach to resolve the situation. This will often lead to disconnection from ourselves and others. We must hold a curious stance and ask ourselves what may be happening underneath the surface of the water. 

As Muslims we are accountable for what we do with our emotions. It is good to build self-awareness and order to identify what is making us angry and what are those underlying vulnerable emotions in the iceberg. This will help to better express our needs so that we feel more heard and seen in relationships. It is our job to ensure that we don’t cause harm to those around us when we are angry. Of course there is always room to seek forgiveness from Allah when we trip along the way. Reflect on the anger iceberg and whether it is your own anger or someone else’s anger, see if you can maintain a curious stance and look deeper instead of moving to judgement and avoidance. Allah loves those who are merciful and patient. 

Note: This article asks that we maintain a curious stance when it comes to addressing anger. The prerequisite for implementing this is safety. This advice is not appropriate in cases where there is abuse and a person is being harmful or destructive with their anger.